Making Love, Sex, and Orgasm
The Female Orgasm ]
The best known of the Western sex manuals, Dr Alex Comfort's The Joy of Sex, is subtitled A Gourmet Guide to Lovemaking. The analogy between sex and cookery is an extremely appropriate one.
Both are forms of art requiring sensitivity, skill, imagination, and inventiveness, and in both cases should be performed with love and care.
Likewise they both improve with time if the willingness is present. But just as one rarely wants to exist on a diet of haute cuisine, so sexual techniques serve to embellish and bring variety to everyday sex life.
Comfort himself makes this point: "But still the main course is loving, unselfconscious intercourse. So while a staple diet is essential, variety is just as important if the palate is not to get jaded." And of course, sexual expertise, knowing lots of positions, is not synonymous with good lovemaking, and the sexual positions expert is not necessarily a good lover.
There are several essential components in good lovemaking which no amount of sexual expertise alone will produce. These include compatibility between the partners; a similar degree of commitment which is understood by both; confidence in oneself, which ultimately produces confidence in the partner; sensitivity to one's partner's moods and reactions.
Maturity (which is not the same as age) is also an important factor; a loving relationship involves responsibilities and a mature lover does not shirk them. That notorious lover, Casanova, maintained that he genuinely liked women, and that is an important point, because many people use lovemaking as their field of battle against the opposite sex.
Egotism and a desire for conquest have no place in love, and and no amount of sexual experience can compensate for their presence. Likewise, wise, a repertoire of interesting sexual techniques acquired through a long series of relationships is also irrelevant if that is the only thing that the lover has learned from his or her experiences.
So what place have sexual techniques in lovemaking? Well, firstly they introduce change and variety, and prevent sexual intercourse from becoming a routine, itself a potential destructive factor in any relationship. They encourage lovers to discuss and experiment, and so release any inhibitions.
They present lovers with ideas and suggestions that may not have occurred to them before. After all, certain techniques will suit some couples more than others, depending on their relative sizes, their agility, state of health, degree of privacy, sensitivity and, of course, inclination.
The most important elements of sexual foreplay are knowing your partner's sexually sensitive areas - erogenous zones - and how to stimulate them agreeably and progressively and without causing discomfort.
During the arousal phase of sexual intercourse each partner stimulates the other alternately or simultaneously. If they are sensitive to each other's needs and can interpret the other's reactions, the pace of their arousal will keep more or less parallel and they will have a chance of attaining the plateau and orgasm phases together.
Men tend to be more genitally centered in their sexual stimulation needs than women and often do not realize that the whole of a woman's body, as arousal progresses, becomes an erogenous zone.
Direct and initial assault upon the primary erogenous zones, the breasts and genital area, will not bring her to climax unless she is already aroused. In fact, it will most likely have the opposite effect.
Kissing, stroking and nibbling are the overtures to arousal, and initially a man should direct his attention to the secondary erogenous zones, the face, neck, arms, back, base of the spine and buttocks.
The mouth, of course, is particularly sensitive, and mouth kisses can escalate from the gentle teasing brush of lips to deep penetration.
Many people underestimate the importance of words in sexual foreplay. Expressions of admiration, wonder, and delight in the woman's body, and of feelings of tenderness and love for her, contribute greatly to her arousal.
With many (but not all) women, expletives, in their erotic as opposed to insulting context, also have a powerful erotic effect. Loving sex is a union, and words can cement it.
Talking, too, can bring an element of fun into foreplay, and can thus help dispel inhibitions and create a mood of relaxation. In this age of sexual outspokenness it is sometimes forgotten that most women do have inhibitions, shyness, and maybe doubts about themselves, and there is nothing like loving words and admiration to overcome these.
No man will need to be told to pay attention to a woman's breasts, for as both literature and the advertising industry testify, these female assets have an unfailing fascination for the male. Breasts are highly sensitive glands, easily hurt or bruised.
Cupping, gently squeezing, pressing together, and of course kissing them, are activities that both partners find highly erotic. When a man turns his attention specifically to the nipples he needs to do so with extra delicacy. He may squeeze or roll a nipple between thumb and finger, or he may take it in his mouth and suck or roll his tongue around it, or flick the tip of it repeatedly with the tip of his tongue.
All these actions will excite the woman provided that they are done gently; many women find it painful to be bitten on this sensitive area.
Biting has its place in loveplay, as do nipping, slapping, and scratching. A small degree of pain can be exciting, and there comes a stage in the arousal process when a little bit of roughness has a positive effect, but lovers should usually confine their biting, slapping, and scratching to the less vulnerable parts of the body, the back, buttocks, legs, arms and shoulders.
When a woman is sufficiently aroused, her vaginal lips will be swollen and moist due to the secretion of lubricating fluid. When he turns his attention to her genital area he should first gently brush, hold, and rub the entire vulva, before delicately parting the lips.
After a spell of caressing the vaginal lips, he will locate the clitoris, which is situated at the upper point where the vaginal lips join, just below the pubic bone. This sensitive organ needs especially careful treatment.
It can be pressed against the pubic bone, rubbed with an up-and-down or circular motion, or very gently squeezed, and these movements may very well bring the woman to a first climax. If she does not wish to climax at this stage she may wish her partner to stop clitoral stimulation.
It is normal for the man to explore and stimulate the vagina with his fingers before introducing his erect penis. Penetration with the middle finger, or the middle and index fingers together, with the palm of the hand upward, and gentle movement in and out for a time will excite both parties to a point where they will no longer be able to delay intercourse.
Some couples feel that whatever the hand can do the mouth can do better, or more excitingly, and with much greater intimacy. Oral-genital contacts are probably the most exciting of all the techniques of foreplay.
A series of body kisses proceeding down to the vulva, followed by stimulation of the clitoris by the tongue, and then rapid tongue penetration of the vagina, is one of the most pleasurable means of bringing about a strong climax in a woman.
Men are generally more susceptible to visual stimulation than women, and this is an important point which a woman should always bear in mind during the preliminaries to lovemaking. Posing, teasing, and other aspects of uninhibited behavior are all potent seduction weapons, as is sexy clothing or lingerie removed provocatively.
Verbal expressions of feelings and admiration can be as important to men as they are to women. Men do like being complimented on their bodies, in particular on their penis. Some of them are extremely sensitive about the size of their cock, which they consider as an exemplification of their virility.
Because a man is usually less sensitive to overall caresses, very early on in lovemaking he needs to have all the woman's attention directed at his genital area. Initially she can stroke or brush his penis teasingly but it should not be long before she manipulates it with more vigor.
Experience tells a woman how to excite her man. If not, an open and experienced man will show her. Very often a relatively inexperienced woman will grip the penis with her whole hand and pull it roughly, a technique that most men find unpleasant, and certainly not erotic.
A far more pleasurable technique is to place the thumb on one side of the penis and the fingers on the other and exert pressure, using slow up-and-down strokes, with occasional bursts of very rapid strokes.
After the initial stages of penis stimulation the woman can seat herself in a different sex position, so that she is facing him, and use two hands. This way he can see her, and can also arouse her.
She uses one hand to hold the root of his penis, at the same time gently gripping his scrotum, while the other hand stimulates the highly sensitive tip, or glans. This way she can give him a number of extremely exciting sensations. A light fingertip stroke of the very tip will make him shudder, as will a light scratching of the taut underside of the penis.
Rolling the entire penis between the palms of the hands can be a highly effective means of arousal, while rolling it against or between the breasts is an even more powerful stimulating technique. more pleasurable variation.
If this loveplay is a prelude to intercourse, a woman has to be careful not to bring her man to the point of ejaculation. If he tells her to stop because he is at the brink of orgasm she should do so immediately.
In any case, if the partners know each other well, the woman will recognize the signs and slow down her actions accordingly. When possibility of immediate orgasm has abated stimulation can be resumed, though after one buildup like this the man will probably want to take the initiative himself.
One method which all women ought to be aware of is that pressing fairly hard with the fingers on the urethral passage right at the root of the penis, or alternatively just under the scrotum, will slow down ejaculation from ending sex too soon.
It is said that many married men who also use prostitutes do so because of frustrated "fellatio libido." Fellatio is stimulation of the penis using the mouth. The excitement it induces in a man is due to the wide range of pressure and versatility of movement that the mouth is capable of. It should be thought of as an expression of love.
But it's up to the man to be clean and make sure he's washed his penis thoroughly.
The woman may start by lightly kissing the glans and flicking it with the tip of her tongue; she may then run her tongue the length of the underside of the penis a few times before taking the organ into her mouth and simulating coital movements while exerting pressure with her lips.
At this stage the man may be unable to call a halt even if he feels his orgasm coming, so a woman has to know how to read the signs if fellatio is intended as a prelude to vaginal penetration.
On occasions a woman may arouse her man through fellatio and swallow his semen. An ejaculation comprises only about a teaspoonful of fluid, and a woman who salivates profusely may not even notice the semen in her mouth.
Of course, some women do actually enjoy receiving semen in this way; it is a profoundly symbolic act of love, one which is incredibly important and significant to most men, who may even regard oral sex as a sign of their lover's commitment.
There are various websites which offer advice on how to change the taste of semen, though in my experience, it is the texture of seminal fluid which seems to present more of a problem than the taste.
Updated: June 3 2016